Lindsay Lohan Dishes on Her Sexuality and Her Newest Toy

In an exclusive interview, Lindsay Lohan* gives Blab 'n Flab the official dirt on her sexuality, what new toy is making her hot, and how she's exploiting the current political and cultural moods to stay famous by sitting on her ass and do nothing but hang out with a gal pal in skimpy clothing. AJae, the mistress of secrets here at Blab 'n Flab, caught up with Lohan at an undisclosed Starb*cks somewhere near her home.

AJAE: So, Lindsay, there's been a lot of rumors flying around about you and Sam (Samantha Rosen). Are you actually out of the closet now? And what's this we're hearing about a possible side boyfriend in the near future?

------------------------------
LOHAN (Sips on her non-fat Vanilla Latte a moment): Well AJae, the fact of the matter is that I feel that riding the bi-sexual/lezzie/100% boring straight girl line for as long as possible will help people forget that I haven't successfully held down a job in...um, well, forever. I am not bi-sexual. And I love the man juice too much to commit to Sam and give her the respect she (and the rest of the GBLT community) deserves. I prefer to think of myself as an attention ho with no viable sexual orientation. I am in talks with an un-named male F-list celeb's agent to discuss an tabloid photo-op only 'relationship' arrangement to ensure that men will still think I'm attractive. So, yeah, things are really good with me and her right now. We're in a good place. A love cocoon.

AJAE: Wow. You're definitely in a better place now. So what else is new?

LOHAN: Like, oh my gawd, I totally just snatched up this fierce new toy- you might know it from the James Bond film, "You Only Live Twice"-but it really just makes my panties wet. I'm totally all up in James Bond's business now with my new autogyro [Editor's note: What did you think it was?! You're nasty. =]. And I'm drooling over the new Bond film that's out-it's definitely a date-night flick for me-makes me feel like a wicked bad girl. (Twitches a little)

AJAE: I am feeling the autogyro. So, then, you've kicked your partying and drugs for good, and you're really okay?

LOHAN: Definitely. My agent made sure that me and SamRo have been heavily photographed doing healthy activities like smoking and playing innocuous games like Scrabble. I am whatever the tabs publish, ya know? I'm taking a page from Britney's book, minus the whole bald head thing. That's just ugly.

AJAE: Indeed. Quite ugly. How do you feel about current California events? The wildfires? The Siport shooting in Santa Clara? And the Paula Abdul fan-cide deal?

LOHAN: Well, AJae, I don't know anything about the Siport shooting thingy- Santa Clara is outside of my brain-bubble area. And I'm staying inside a lot and getting extra facials and body wraps to ensure that my skin isn't affected by the extra environmental pollutants the fires are spewing into the air and stuff. That's just sad about Paula, with her finally getting edged out of the spotlight by that new bitch-what's her name? Kara DioGuardi. Yeah.

AJAE: Ummm...yeah. Okay. Well I'm running out of time here so I've got to wrap this up-any final words?

LOHAN (Frowns...nibbles on her ciggy butt):Miley Cyrus is a ho.

AJAE: That about sums it up...Thank you for talking to Blab 'n Flab today, and don't forget to hit me up whenever you decide you are asexual or whatever.

---------------------------

In other news, Blab 'n Flab is working on an exclusive first interview with Bristol Palin's baby, so don't bother reading People for the exclusive pics, 'cause we've got this sh*t on lock. Or whatever.