Dear Muslim Radicals Who Want to Blow Up Americans,

This whole war on terror thingy has been a huge mistake. We're sorry we tried to hold the perpetrators of 9/11 accountable. We were wrong, and I promise to keep trying my best to weaken our national defenses and continually ignore the advice of my top military advisers.

Can we be friends?

Love,

His Holiness Barack Hussein Obama II
the 44th President of the United States of America Obamerica

P.S. Please listen to my theme song!



Hell in a handbasket.

Image by jmtimages via Flickr

"Used Condom" Comment Brings Politics to a New Low

In the San Fernando Valley, politicians don't play nice and they certainly don't mince words. Sharron Aisenman, who is running for city council, buried a thick knife deep into the back of a former friend, Councilwoman Brenda Esqueda, in what can only be described as the bitchiest political tirade of the year. "...you are just being used, the same way they used you as a placeholder for Mario. Please be aware that when this crew is through with you, they will discard you like any other used condom," Aisenman spewed, in front of a shocked city council.

An artist's rendering of how things might have unfolded on Monday:



The whole debacle is here: San Fernando Valley Sun

Image inspired in part by a photo taken by moron noodle via Flickr

Ze Robots Will Conquer Ze World.

It's true.

We've created extremely sophisticated artificial intelligence on the verge of taking over the world, compliments of the United States Navy. In a secretive report on "military robot ethics," Patrick Lin noted "'There is a common misconception that robots will do only what we have programmed them to do.'" He continued, "'Unfortunately, such a belief is sorely outdated, harking back to a time when ... programs could be written and understood by a single person.'" Fox News

Image by Javier Piragauta via Flickr

Cher Slums Around at Target and Michaels!

Image via Wikipedia

And believes elephants should never be kept in a zoo...

Quote of the Day:

"I know there are a lot of Targets and a lot of stores called Michaels in the United States. We had a thing where we do painting and we would have these big Teamsters painting a little teapot for their mom. I would be running to Michaels and getting paintbrushes and stuff like that.....Elephants should not be in zoos..."


A big thanks to AP and the Teamsters for this one!

Bin Laden Desperate for Money, Applies for Job: Blames Economy

"Bush's policies on terrorism really have made my life difficult," Bin Laden told Blab 'n Flab in an exclusive interview. "Between that and the economy, I really have been having a difficult time finding gigs. Funding for my organization has dropped by 30 percent as the economy is hitting my investors, and despite my celebrity status, I haven't been able to find a good fit for my skill set."

He decided to apply to the Hamilton Island caretaker position after discovering how much Queensland was paying for the job. After submitting a YouTube video resume, shown below, he was disappointed to learn that the Australians found his video offensive and declined his application.



"I mean, seriously, this discrimination in it's highest form," Bin Laden spewed, furious with the rejection. "I will be taking legal action, possibly a civil suit. I hear the ACLU has done some excellent work in past, so I might go to them for help."

Obama Team Tells NASA 'No We Can't'

BREAKING TRANSITION TEAM NEWS:

A member of Obama's goon squad threw down, Chicago-style, in a shouting match with NASA adminstrator Mike Griffin earlier this week while discussing the agency's future. The heated power play officially ushered in a new dark age in NASA politics as a ominous sign of things to come as the facade of campaign niceties fades away.

Needless to say, Obama's transition team's obvious intentions of restructuring of governmental agencies and their funding to favor his pet projects is slowly coming into focus.

Fran Drescher Impersonates Senate Candidate: FacePunch Wednesday

Fran Drescher has decided that her next career move will be to impersonate an United States Senator. What the eff are you thinking, woman? You have no qualifications to be a senator. You didn't even finish college (and I quote, "She attended a year at Queens College and then attended cosmetology school to become a hairdresser.") What exactly can you bring to policy discussions? "Mr. Senator, I do believe you need a new haircut." The ability of an United States senator to understand, draft, and evaluate legal documents and enact new laws is paramount to the success of our governmental process.

Just goes to show you that celebreality continues to run the People's Republic of New York. So, Fran, I hereby sentence you to 50 self-inflicted punches. Heck, why stop there? Please beat yourself into a senseless, bloody, unusable pulp. Do it. Just dooo it.

Politics with a Side of Funny: Tweeple to Follow

If you are still laboring under the impression that conservative politicos are boring, stale, and straight-jacket serious, it's time you tap into the Twittervein and refresh your mindset- because it's dead wrong. To facilitate this process, I'd like to present the Silver Flabber Award to the following witty conservatives on Twitter:

@pinkelephantpun
@Linc4Justice
@Morticia626
@jimmiebjr
@RightGirl
@Michelle_Moore
@mortimas
@RightMichigan
@Leaningright
@blogsofwar

If you are not following them already, you. are. wrong. Period.

Oh, and to all my lovely tweeps: I love each and every one of you, so don't feel bad if you're not on the Best Flabber list. If you are a funny political tweeter/blogger, I'll come to my senses one day and notice your brilliance. If you'd like to speed up the process, send me a DM or @AJae reply.

Don't Underestimate Young Republicans/ Conservatives, #TCOT

['cause I won't fit in the box]

Twitterland is all abuzz right now with one of the most infectious movements in the rightosphere:
Top Conservatives on Twitter.com,

a.k.a the infamous
#TCOT.

#TCOT's grassroots gorilla wordfare* is on the verge of a total hostile takeover of the liberal-ruled social media outlet, with astronomical growth just days after its inaugural listing...and I'm so proud to say that @AJae is on the list.

With that being said, there is something that has been tweeting around (ever since Hot Air published a piece on #TCOT) that really rubs me the wrong way. I am 100% certain that this is not #TCOT's official opinion, but I've run into a shocking number of conservatives that hold the view that you have to be a certain age to have valid contributions to political dialogue and/or be a 'real' conservative. (This issue, of course, certainly isn't just confined to Twitter.) It's this tiny little box that they can automatically stuff any new young voices that pop up in the party into and continue on their merry way.

We, as conservatives, need to check this attitude at the door. It's annoying, it's patronizing, and it's one of the reasons young conservatives lose interest in the party early on. Personally, I found it insulting: just because I'm only 21 doesn't mean that I'm somehow missing the logic and reasoning processing centers in my brain. I'm used to being insulted by lefties claiming that I'm full of the 'foolishness of youth,' but this sentiment from my supposed allies has left me bewildered. As Steven Lee of the New Republican has proven, younger conservatives are a essential key to reforming our party while staying true to core conservative values.

So, please, for the sake of preserving our great nation and reinventing the Republican party (and the conservative movement), don't forget the youth in your grassroots reform campaigns. Encourage and foster a new generation of intelligent, well-rounded politicians, writers, and opinion-makers.



*War of words. Yes, I like to make up my own language. Shaddup.

Wordless: Paris Hilton Dishes on Brittney Flickinger